If you’re a parent hoping for your child to go to private nursery school or Kindergarten in New York City, you’ll need to prepare for the most stressful playdate of your life. There’s no avoiding it, as almost every private preschool in New York City relies upon the playdate as part of the admissions process. Schools believe it is the only way—even if they know it isn’t the best way—to get a sense of who your child is, a snapshot of their temperament, social skills, language, and approach to play. It’s also a way to see your parenting in action. I participated in these playdates for three years as a teacher at one of Manhattan’s most desirable preschools so I have a pretty good sense of what it is all about.
There are two types of playdates, those that invite parents to participate in the same room while sitting on the sidelines, and those that ask parents to separate at the door (or even auditorium). In either scenario, the child is expected to become an independent agent and also integrate easily into a group of children.
The idea of a playdate is innocent enough. Wonderful children, exciting materials, maybe a delicious snack in a community setting. The only problem is, it isn’t. Children are very aware that this is an unnatural situation and that you are stressed. An unfamiliar environment, strangers, and the observation itself make the situation anything but joyful and carefree. Nobody is their best self.
The more you know about the playdate the more prepared you’ll be on the day of the event. A playdate of this nature usually has the following components. The child:
- Enters into room
- Greets teachers
- Separates from parent and integrates into the group of about eight children
- Interacts with materials
- Interacts with children
- Transitions to snack and/or reading
- Returns to parents and says goodbye to teachers and children
At any point in this sequence a typical child will hesitate: “Do I want to walk away from my mom?” “Do I like the snack?” “Do I want to share this fire truck?” “Is it time to leave already?” If a child doesn’t’ move fluidly through the process that doesn’t mean they won’t get into the school. Early childhood educators know the playdate isn’t easy and that some children will struggle. Teachers and administrators are getting the overall sense of how you and your child solve problems, navigate transitions, take risks and embrace the new. They have a good sense of what to expect from the child developmentally.
There are a few things that can help you feel better and therefore do better. You should know what the schools are looking for.
- An easygoing parent who follows the rules, a parent with whom a school can work. Be accommodating. If you stand out because you are difficult, you are less likely to be accepted even if you plan a huge financial contribution.
- A parent who allows their child to separate and trusts teachers to manage feelings. Unless your child is really struggling, allow school personnel to control the situation.
- A child who enjoys materials, has good focus, and great transitioning skills. When it’s time to clean up they can move to snack, etc.
- A child who is interested in other people. If your child is slow to warm, let them be themselves, as educators know that social styles vary.
- Diversity of approach. No two children will engage with objects and people in the same way, and your child’s quirks may be exactly what the school needs.
The preparation for a school application playdate really begins years before. By the time a child is 2 there might already be red flags that indicate a struggle—with language, fear of entering a group, difficulty warming up to unfamiliar adults, focusing on tasks, or moving from one activity to another—and caregivers and teachers have a responsibility to guide parents of young children to get help early. As a twos teacher, for example, I would be concerned about how some children would manage on the school playdate. My team would address these needs early and proactively to prepare children to be their best selves, with playdate day being a tiny sliver in a lifetime of important days.
Infants and toddlers who have the opportunity to interact with many children and adults, for example, at daycare or other playgroups, will often have an easier time entering an unfamiliar social group seamlessly and flowing through a school application playdate. Their day to day life in the center has prepared them. They just know how to navigate. Parents will be very familiar with the child’s social style, trust who they are, and feel more confident overall.
Teachers and directors know how stressful these playdates can be, and good ones know that you can’t get to know a child in fifteen minutes. At the application playdate teachers are really looking for egregious signs of distress, issues that the school wouldn’t be able to handle. For the most part, the children look like children. Childhood is not easy. It is filled with successes and failures, highs and lows, and everything in between. The better we know our infants and toddlers, the more support we can provide as they move towards elementary school, opening a path for daily social learning that makes the application playdate an unremarkable day on the calendar and a piece of cake for parent and child.
Renee Bock is a dedicated early childhood educator, who is currently the Chief Academic Officer at Explore+Discover, a social learning center in Manhattan that is committed to setting the standard for infant and toddler care and education. Renee has more than a decade of experience in the field and holds a Master’s in Early Childhood Education from Bank Street College in New York. She has three sons, Ariel (16), Raffi (14), and Shaya (13). She can be reached at rbock@explorediscover.net.
