Q. I’ve finished my estate planning documents, but my parents are still procrastinating on getting their estate plan in order! How can I appropriately broach the conversation with my parents without ruffling their feathers?
Congratulations on getting your own estate documents in order! Initiating any conversation about estate planning is a sensitive conversation. People don’t like to be confronted with their own mortality. Parents don’t like to be told what to do by their children!
One way to start the conversation is by mentioning that you’ve just finished your estate planning documents and how relieved you are to know that you’ve put a plan in place for a crisis or emergency. From there, you can explain how your parents putting a plan in place will make the process easier on their children, minimize the potential for disputes, and ensure a lasting legacy of harmony among you and your siblings. I find that the “making it easier on your children” angle is the best motivator for most aging parents to initiate the process. It makes the idea of estate planning less about their mortality and money and more about taking care of their children.
There are important reasons to have this conversation. Parents of young children can rapidly become the “sandwich generation,” caring for both their own children and their parents.
Parents might be reluctant to talk money with their children. The resolution will not come in a single conversation, so be prepared for a series of smaller conversations. Even if your parents are resistant at first and get defensive, don’t be surprised if they come back to you later. Try to enlist the support of your siblings if possible.
If and when your parents are ready to talk, some suggested questions are below (I suggest not bombarding them with all of these questions simultaneously, lest they feel like they are under cross-examination).
Health:
• Where would you want to be in the event that you find it difficult to care for yourself? Many people want to “age in place” at home as long as possible. That said, there are benefits to moving to an assisted living or senior living facility, which offers activities and a social community.
• Who do you want to make medical decisions if you couldn’t make them or communicate them yourself? Do you have a health care proxy who documents those choices? Where are those documents? Can I have a copy?
• Have you considered giving your doctors Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act releases to allow us to speak with them if we have questions about your health or medical treatment?
• Have you considered what treatments or life-sustaining measures you would or would not want in certain circumstances, assuming your physicians conclude that you are not likely to return to a meaningful quality of life? What thoughts do you have about being kept alive by ventilators, feeding tubes, respirators, or other medical intervention? Under what circumstances would you want those measures to be used to keep you alive? Under what circumstances do you not want those measures to be used to keep you alive? What do you understand those terms to mean?
Finances:
• How can I help you with managing your finances and paying your bills?
• Have you considered how much money you will need when you retire? In your 70s; 80s; 90s? Have you considered how you will pay for your long-term care if you need a home care aide or if you need to go into a nursing home?
• Do you have a will and where is it kept?
• Who do you want to handle your financial affairs if you are unable to manage them for yourself? Do you have a power of attorney? If you do not want to execute a power of attorney, do you know who you would want to act as your guardian if one needed to be appointed?
If your parents are receptive to implementing a plan, you should encourage them to consult a trusts and estate attorney with experience in elder law issues.
The various software and pre-filled forms available on the internet will not be tailored to the unique needs specific to your parents’ individual situation.
Bruce Feit recounted a tale in his New York Times blog that is worth noting here — Nora Ephron wrote of her friend Judy’s death at the age of 69: “I meant to have a conversation with Judy about death, before either of us was sick or dying. I meant to have one of those straightforward conversations where you discuss What You Want in the eventuality.” But, Ephron noted, “once they found the lump, there was no having the conversation.”
Alison Arden Besunder is the founding attorney of the law firm of Arden Besunder P.C., where she assists new and not-so-new parents with their estate planning needs. Her firm assists clients in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, Nassau, and Suffolk Counties. You can find Besunder on Twitter @estatetrustplan and on her website at www.besunderlaw.com.
