Does Your Marriage Come Before Your Children? The Instagram Debate Continues

For decades, the topic of marriage has always been controversial. From large ceremonies to simple courthouse weddings, to whose family should contribute the most money or pay for the bridal gown, the topic of marriage poses many questions. While most discussions can be resolved amicably, a recent Instagram trend has added a new controversial question: should your marriage come before your children? 

Back in October, Kaitlin Klimmer made an Instagram post with her unpopular opinion: My marriage doesn’t come before my kids.

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“I’ve come to realize the pressure to maintain the pre-baby relationship POST babies is just another example of the patriarchy telling women their biggest achievement in life will be having kids but no one around them should feel the impact of having those kids – including their partners,” the influencer wrote in a lengthy caption. “It only makes sense that there’s not as much of that left over for our partners in this season. And honestly, if our partners are TRULY taking an equitable share of the load of raising children, they should have less of these things left over for us too!!”

The post garnered over 28 thousand likes and began the debate if children should come before one’s spouse in a marriage. 

“These ideals are likely rooted in various cultural, religious, and societal beliefs about the purpose of marriage and family. For some, the belief that marriage should come first is tied to traditional views that the partnership is the foundation of the family,” says Jillian Amodio, Licensed Marriage Social Worker (LMSW). “Others may argue that children are the ultimate priority because they are dependent on their parents for survival and development.”

While there isn’t much data on how many women put their spouse before their children, according to the Institute of Family Studies, 87 percent of women want to get married before having children, yet 40 percent of children are born to unmarried mothers. The conversation sparked many opinions, presenting both sides of the argument. Some believe that in order to be good parents, effort needs to be put into keeping the marriage alive. 

“This is shenanigans. You can prioritize your marriage and still take care of your children,” one user commented under the post. “Date night and physically leaving your children aren’t the only way to prioritize your marriage and put it first. Your kids need to see you prioritizing your marriage, that matters for their development too.”

It is believed that keeping the marriage alive serves as a form of structure and a solid base for the child, therefore serving as a first priority. 

“There is a strong argument to be made that nurturing a strong marital relationship will help create a stable and loving environment that benefits children and models healthy relationships,” says Amodio. “The trend seems to be a way for people to reclaim the idea that nurturing the marriage is critical to the overall health of the family unit. And this is fundamentally true! Nurturing the marriage, by nature, should also translate into nurturing the children.”

A 2021 study by the American Psychology Association found that relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time and declines during the first ten years of being together, whether couples are parents or not. According to Mustela, about 60% of couples experience this postpartum fighting phase and 20% end up in separation, which is why prioritizing the marriage is also key to ensuring a better life for your child. 

Research has shown that children who are raised in a two-parent household tend to do better in life, generally speaking. They are less likely to get in trouble in school or the law, they are more likely to graduate high school and college, and they are more likely to have a higher income and also get married. 

“It is imperative to prioritize your marital relationship, and remember that for many, timing-wise, your spouse did come first, and for most families prioritizing the spousal relationship will have an overall positive trickle-down effect on the children. Prioritizing your spouse does not automatically translate to neglecting your children,” says Amodio.

On the other side of the fence, others, like Klimmer, believe it’s important to live in the moment and enjoy the children while they are young, and that their developmental needs come first. 

“A grown-up who is developmentally able to care for themselves versus a completely dependent child… not at all equal,” user montessoriexpat commented. “So tired of this daycare culture and pretending you’re still single. Enjoy the kids while they are young. Be there for them. One day you won’t be able to kiss it better and you’ll wish you were there more when it truly mattered,” commented another.

According to research conducted by the New York City Department of Health, the first five years are especially crucial for physical, intellectual, and social-emotional development. During this period, the brain rapidly forms connections between neurons, laying the groundwork for future cognitive abilities, and during this time, negative experiences can have lasting effects. According to Amoido, wanting to prioritize your children at this stage is not abnormal. 

“In many circumstances, it’s natural for parents to prioritize their children’s wellbeing, as by nature, they are reliant on adults for almost everything,” she says.

Ultimately, deciding if your marriage or children comes first is a fine line to tread, and one that involves cultural, societal, and personal values and pressures. While each side has its pros and cons, professionals like Amoido suggest open communication, a prioritization of what methods work best for your family, and not getting too triggered or influenced by social trends. 

“Social media has a way of amplifying simplified ideas and encouraging black-and-white thinking,” she concludes. “This isn’t a one-size-fits-all or one-and-done conversation, but rather a continual balancing act that requires ongoing conversation and adjustment. The idea that one or the other should factually come first is actually quite dangerous.”

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