Starting Conversations on Domestic Violence: Advice and Tips from Experts
Starting a conversation around domestic violence is never easy and can be especially difficult when trying to navigate this heavy topic with your children. Where do you begin? When do you begin? What do you even say? And the easiest but perhaps difficult question to answer, should you even bring it up to your child? The answer is a resounding yes. It might be a topic you don’t feel comfortable approaching, but it’s necessary for all children to be educated on. Domestic abuse can happen within teen relationships, and beginning to introduce the topic to your children can start a lot sooner than you might think.
We had the opportunity to speak to experts who educate children in schools on the topic of domestic violence. The team at My Sisters’ Place (MSP), a Westchester-based organization that strives to end domestic violence and human trafficking, has been serving the community since 1976. My introduction to this group began in high school.
It started with a presentation from an MSP Domestic Violence Education and Prevention Program (DVEP) specialist that led to a volunteer opportunity, which taught me the ins and outs of their youth program. DVEP has come a long way and evolved over the years, but its mission to educate and reach the next generations stays the same. My time at MSP was deeply impactful and left me with a resource that I would come to pass along to people I’d meet in adulthood who were silently fighting difficult battles on their own. It’s an invaluable community resource that continues to provide a safe haven for those in need.
Experts at MSP offered some incredible insight to New York Family and graciously gave us some important information that can help all families navigate this topic.
We had the opportunity to speak to Jay Tyler (they/he), the Manager of Youth Education and Prevention at My Sisters’ Place (MSP) who oversees the Domestic Violence Education Program (DVEP); Kym McNair, Senior Director of Social Transformation at MSP who supervises the Education and Prevention Team and is also a parenting person, Sam Merkt, Community Trainer and Domestic Violence Healthcare Advocate, and Cris Castillo, Coordinator of Giant Steps Through Athletics. They answered our questions in the hopes that these conversations could begin to be less taboo for all.
Psst.. check out How Parents Can Help Teens Navigate Relationships
What role can education play in preventing domestic violence, particularly among younger generations?
Education is crucial in understanding not only the world around us but ourselves as well. Through our workshops and discussion groups, we provide students the opportunity to explore, unlearn, and redefine the expectations that are put on them by our communities. When we introduce these topics to students, regardless of their age, we hope that it can be the start of a conversation within their own social circles.
While I can’t facilitate workshops for every single student in Westchester County, I can use my power as an educator to create the space for students to be able to reflect on the relationships they have in their own lives, starting with their relationship with themselves. When we realize that we can all start from the same place of understanding, then we can start having conversations about relationships. By having students reflect on their own needs, then they can fully recognize how consent is already a part of their everyday lives and why it is important to listen to someone when they set a boundary.
Whether we introduce these concepts in elementary schools when we talk about bullying or with graduating high school seniors who are learning about the dynamics of domestic violence for the first time, our message is clear: every student has a right to be heard and respected in all their relationships. – Jay
Education is the most valuable information the younger generation can receive because it can prevent things from happening or from continuing. Once there is education on domestic violence or unhealthy relationships, they can see within themselves how to challenge those unhealthy habits or norms. Breaking the stereotype that domestic violence only happens to adults. As well [as teaching that], domestic violence is not only what we see in, for example, Law and Order SVU. – Cris
What are the early signs of domestic violence that people should be aware of?
In order to understand the warning signs of domestic violence (DV), we need to first understand the dynamics of DV. DV is not only something that is physical, meaning that it is not always something that we can physically see, despite what many TV shows and movies show us. Abuse can also be emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual/cultural, economic (also known as financial), and Technological.
What is the most important thing to know is that abuse is defined by an imbalance of power and control, that it’s repeated by the abusive party, and that these abusive actions are done on purpose. An abuser will intentionally do whatever they can to make sure they can have control of a person, and often when one type of abuse is happening there are actually multiple forms of abuse affecting that individual.
Now that we understand that there are many forms of abuse, we can reflect on the different warning signs that a relationship might not be healthy or could even potentially be abusive. These are what we call red flags, a term a lot of people who use social media probably have heard of but do not always know how to define. Red flags can look different for everyone, but the common thread between all our experiences is realizing that someone either ignored a boundary that we set or made a decision that affects us directly without communicating things with us at first.
Red flags are that feeling we have in our gut that we are not feeling respected that can be noticed at any point in any relationship. It can look like a friend fighting with you because you won’t share your passcode with them, someone you’re dating insisting on holding your hand at school after you said it makes you uncomfortable, or even a family friend continuing to ask your child questions when they said that they did not want to talk to them. − Jay
How can friends and family members help someone they suspect is experiencing domestic violence?
The most important thing that someone can do to support a survivor of DV is to make sure to follow their lead on every single decision they make for their own safety and wellbeing. Even if you suspect or know they are in an abusive relationship, you need to remind them that they are worthy of having power and control when it comes to your relationship with them. By providing space for them to be heard, you can be a part of the solution.
You can do your own research and learn about the programs and resources that are available in the community and share our hotline. Someone in a DV situation is most likely already feeling unheard and powerless, so the best thing we can do is listen to what they need and let them make the decisions. We may not always agree with or like the decisions they are making, and we also need to respect the decisions someone makes in order for them to survive. – Jay
RESIST the urge to ask, “Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Though these questions are intended to help, they can make the survivor feel ashamed and embarrassed. A trauma-informed approach is to listen, listen, and listen. Ask what they need, and if a survivor says they don’t want to talk about it, then don’t push.
RESIST the urge to “should” survivors. Every day, they’re doing what they need to do to survive and cling to the power (autonomy) they still have. Gather resources (hotline numbers, names of agencies, etc.) for them. Avoid talking about the abusive partner (AP) in a negative way and stay focused on the survivor. They may still have very strong feelings for the abusive partner, and you do not want to have a conversation that will build resentment. Keep in mind that not all survivors want to leave the relationship. Most often, they want the violence to stop. They want peace. – Kym
Resist approaching the abusive partner (AP) because then there is a level of trust that is broken, and the person who disclosed to you no longer feels like they can trust you. Also, the AP may go back and question or lash out at the person talking about their abuse to someone else. Or the AP may lash out at the person who is confronting them. – Cris
What are some effective ways to encourage individuals in abusive relationships to seek help?
In my experience, the most effective way has been to follow their lead. When they want to talk, I listen. When they don’t want to talk about the violence, and it is violence, I don’t push. Gather resources and keep them handy so that when somebody is ready to seek help, you can share those resources. − Kym
When I work with students, regardless of their relationship statuses, the most important thing I do is treat them like the people that they are. Too many adults are quick to judge and think that students are “too young” to understand the dynamics of intimate relationships. Instead of judging and bringing my beliefs to the surface, I listen and validate. Labeling actions by a partner as abusive, violent, or toxic or saying that they are too good for that person might be what you want to tell someone and is also likely not what someone wants or needs to hear.
What they really need is to know you’re listening, so asking questions like “How did you feel after that?” or even “How do you feel now saying that out loud?” can show to someone that you genuinely care about them and you’re willing to be there and listen.
In some cases, it is also important for a friend/family member to be able to have space to vent about their frustrations with the situation without the survivor present. I am not saying they can share what is going on without the survivor’s consent. Instead, I am saying that it is important for supporters to find space to decompress and process the trauma that they are now also carrying. − Jay
Are there any suggestions you can give to our readers, predominantly parents, on how to begin having a conversation about Domestic Violence with their children?
I think it is important for parents to know that it is okay not to know what to say to your child and to remember what it was like to be their age. Did you talk to your parents about dating? Think about why or why not, then reflect on the experience that your child is having. I think it’s best for parents to just listen to what their children are sharing and to give them the space to vent without judgment or without trying to solve the issue immediately.
Young folks are already at vulnerable stages in their lives, from navigating their first crushes to rejections to their first romantic relationship to their first friendship breakup and everything in between. We need to give them space to not only feel heard but to know that a parent is listening. I think having a conversation with them to identify the adults they can go to (and not being upset if they don’t mention their own parents) is a great activity to build trust in each other. − Jay
Think more about promoting healthy relationships and the green flags to look for in all of their relationships. Create a culture of conversation long before they are ready to be in romantic relationships. Think about how you model healthy relationships in your home, in your family, and in your friendships. Have age-appropriate conversations with children early on so you can build a foundation that gives your children a sense of their inner worth and empowerment. − Kym
From a young age, you can start to have conversations with your kids about consent and boundaries. You can ask your kids things like, “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” allow them to take the time to reflect on whether that would feel good or not, and honor their decision. − Sam
How can communities work together to prevent domestic violence?
Be clear about the issue. October is Domestic VIOLENCE Awareness month. We are a Domestic VIOLENCE agency. We are part of the anti-VIOLENCE movement. Call it what it is. Don’t let this fester in silence. Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) is in October. DV/IPV happens every single day of the year.
Invite MSP’s educators into the community to help raise awareness. We can create trainings and workshops specific to the community. Call us! Recognize that DV is present in all communities. This is an issue that has roots in this country’s history of violence and does not discriminate.− Kym
I think members of our communities also need to understand that it is okay not to know what to do when these situations are happening in their neighborhoods. To be clear, violence is happening to our neighbors regardless of whether we know about it or not. What is not okay is to be living in ignorance.
If a survivor speaks up about someone that you also know, while it can be easy to deny what they’re saying because “you know that person and they are not capable of doing that,” practice holding space for both truths. That person might be your friend, your government leader, your go-to public safety person, or even your neighbor, and they also have caused harm. − Jay
What resources or support systems does MSP offer someone experiencing domestic violence?
People who are experiencing domestic violence can call our 24/7 hotline (800-298-7233 (SAFE)) or text our chat line (914-600-4208) that is open Monday-Saturday 10am–10pm to connect with our services. This includes emergency shelter, legal support, counseling for children, individualized advocacy for adult survivors, and support groups in both English and Spanish. − Sam
People can call the Karen Cheeks Lomax Center for Legal Services intake line at 914-683-1333 extension 225. Folks will get a call back and if they are eligible for services or a consultation. − Kym
MSP offers many free and confidential services to the Westchester County community. When a survivor or their loved one calls our hotline for more information, it is the start of a conversation. Our advocates are here to listen first and then will collaborate both internally and externally to make sure every individual feels like they are getting the support they need. If we find that our organization does not have the right resources, we refer them to other local organizations that we work in collaboration with to make sure they can get the help they need.
Our website is www.mspny.org and has all of the information about our resources and mission. – Jay
The Westchester County Board of Legislators declared October 9th “My Sisters’ Place Day” in honor of all of the work they do in the community. We thank them for taking the time to educate us, fighting to raise awareness, and beginning these difficult but necessary conversations.
Psst..Could Your Teen Be in an Abusive Relationship? Find more ways to help.
