Mothering is a journey like no other, and it’s impossible to know exactly what to expect, whether you have one child or four. Each new addition can bring new challenges, changes, and experiences. We talked to four New York moms about the surprises and obstacles that come with new motherhood at every stage of building a family—be it the arrival of one’s first child or the fourth.
THE FIRST CHILD
The Mom: Araina Jewell, Lower School Director at Trevor Day School
Her Child: Cassidy, 5.5 months
How is life different now, than before you had a child?
Before having the baby, I guessed that my life would be different, that I wouldn’t be able to get up and go as easily as I had when I wasn’t a mom, that I’d be exhausted all the time, that I’d be covered in spit up a lot of the time, etc. Those things are certainly true, but what stands out as the most different now is this overwhelming need to protect and serve another human being. It seems as if my every waking thought, that isn’t work related, is about my daughter. When did she last eat, sleep, poop? Is she warm enough or cool enough, etc.
How do you juggle the demands of motherhood?
For me, the secret to juggling motherhood is honestly the support I get from my partner and from my parents. Cassidy’s dad is a great father and he does whatever he can to make my life easier, each and every day. Each of my parents live very nearby and I can count on each of them to be there for me at all times. Before I went back to work, my mother would offer to keep the baby while I went out for a manicure or a massage, and my dad came over often just to hold the baby so I could take a shower. And now that I’m back at work, my mom takes care of Cassidy a few days a week and is able to pick her up from day care in a moment’s notice if I’m running late.
What surprises have you encountered now that you’re a mom for the first time?
Funny enough, the thing I’ve been most surprised by is how my baby can put a smile on so many people’s faces. I have been a New Yorker my entire life and I have never seen so many people smile at me while walking down the street. Carrying a baby around puts you in contact with a lot of people who are all expressing good will and positivity… Motherhood has [also] allowed me to become more grateful and to stop sweating the small stuff. My daughter was born six weeks early and was in the NICU for 2.5 weeks so she could build up her stamina for feeding. She was otherwise mostly healthy, but having those early moments of real worries and going home without my daughter each evening for that stretch of time put other, sillier things in perspective for me.
What do you wish someone had told you about having a child?
It seems that I got all the advice in the world before the baby was born—do this, don’t do that, use this product, don’t use that product, etc. I wish I knew earlier on to spend time getting to know my baby and what she needs and to trust my instincts. What works for one baby doesn’t work at all for another. What one child can do at 3 months, another baby won’t be able to do until 6 months… But something I wish someone had told me was to watch out for explosive poop! I had quite a surprising experience in a department store restroom while trying to change my daughter’s diaper when she was about 5 weeks old. I’ll leave it at that!
THE SECOND CHILD
The Mom: Jen Blankstein, lawyer
Her Children: Olive, 3.5, and Sophie, 7 months
How is life different now than when you just had one child?
Looking back, having one kid feels like having no kids. With two parents and one child, life was more manageable. It’s more difficult to stick to one schedule [now], since a new baby’s schedule is different from a toddler’s. Along with this comes less downtime for the parents. The days are fuller, but faster.
How do you juggle the demands of motherhood? Do you see having two kids as being demanding?
I know it sounds clichéd, but you really have to roll with the punches and know your limitations. Some days are smooth sailing, and some days, priorities get rearranged due to one setback or another. I think having two kids is a game changer, and as parents, the job is never done.
How do you deal with sibling rivalry or, at this age, jealousy?
I was surprised to see how quickly sibling rivalry rears its head. My 3.5-year-old immediately characterizes the baby’s behavior as rivalry. Ie: “She kicked me, she took my toy…she’s trying to do this and that to me.” I find the jealousy a little heartbreaking—here you are, the center of your world, and it changes very quickly overnight. I try to make concerted efforts to give extra attention, however, this can be quite demanding at times with constant conflicting needs.
What surprises have you encountered with having two children?
While pregnant with my second child, I couldn’t imagine how I would love another child as much as the first. However, you easily fall in love all over again.
THE THIRD CHILD
The Mom: Lyss Stern, founder of Divalysscious Moms and co-author of If You Give a Mom a Martini…100 ways to Take 10 Blissful Minutes For Yourself
Her Children: Jackson, 10, Oliver, 7, and Blake, 5 months
How is life different now than when you just had two children?
Life is just a little more “chaotic” than when I had two children. Instead of wishing I had four hands to help with everything…I now officially wish I had eight so I can be an octopus!
Do you have any secrets for juggling the demands of motherhood?
There is no real one secret for juggling the demands of motherhood. We all have our secret recipes for success. You have [to have] patience, a great support system in place and to be able to manage properly the 24 hours in one day. I always say motherhood and being a working mom is similar to juggling 1,000 balls at once and trying not to let one drop. You need to take a 10 minute “MTO” (Mommy Time Out) each and every day!
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?
Like everything else, I try and let the boys work it out themselves. My boys are like Frick and Frack: One day they are best friends, and the next day they are at each others’ throats. My boys are also very different—one wants to be a professional baseball player, and the other son wants to be on Broadway. It really depends on the day and their mood to see who will instigate the fight for the day. The boys need to learn how to talk out their differences and emotions.
What surprises have you encountered with having three children?
I guess my biggest surprise with having three children is how the two older brothers really look after and help with their baby sister. I honestly did not know what to expect, as there is such a big age gap between the three children. My boys absolutely adore their baby sister and they help with everything from feeding her, bathing her, and, of course, singing and reading to her. Sometimes I just look at the three of them together snuggling in my bed and I say to myself that I am truly blessed.
What do you wish someone had told you about having 3 kids?
More than anything, I wish someone had told me this: The first year of your first time being a mother is like nothing you will ever experience again, no matter how many children you have. Every day is a miracle. Every day is a journey. Every day might seem like it lasts 100 hours. There are lights at the end of every tunnel, but you won’t know it. You will never again feel like you are getting an A-plus. You will be forever changed. At some point, you will realize that “nobody ever told you” because some things you have to experience for yourself. There’s no book or class or even little old lady in the grocery store who can tell you what to really expect when you’re expecting.
THE FOURTH CHILD
The Mom: Rosie Pope, pregnancy guru and founder of Rosie Pope Maternity, Rosie Pope Baby, and MomPrep
Her Children: James, 5.5, Wellington, 3, Vivienne, 2, Bridget, 6 months
How is life different now than when you just had three children?
The kids are even more of a team than ever before, and they pitch in in ways that I would have never imagined for kids so young. It is so sweet to watch my 5-year-old help his sister get on her shoes without even being prompted. I think the more kids we have, the more creative and independent the kids become about playing together and creating their own fun. It also means I have to work harder to find those one-on-one moments, but when we do, they are so, so special.
Do you have any secrets for juggling the demands of motherhood?
Whatever the secret, it is important to note it is not easy. I think I have honed a number of skills that make it more manageable: Be in the moment so that in each moment you are present and the time is meaningful even if you don’t have a lot of it; see life in phases—it won’t always be this crazy, so try and enjoy it knowing it’s not forever; don’t be afraid to reward yourself at the end of the day. A glass (or two) of Prosecco on a Monday night is just as important as on a Friday night!
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?
I find it very hard when they fight. I constantly remind them that they are a team, and that each is each other’s greatest friend in life and to be good to each other. I do also appreciate how much these scuffles prepare them for life at such a young age, so I really try to talk through the issue and help them to learn how to deal with the issues themselves before coming running to me. Sometimes though, we have to recognize when all the talking in the world won’t do anything and everyone is too tired. In those moments there is nothing wrong with some Nick Jr. or Disney Jr. and some ice cream for distraction!
What do you wish someone had told you about having four children?
Nothing. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and you need to discover things at your own pace. Words of wisdom always, for one child or four, should always be that parenting is not complicated, but it can be difficult—give yourself permission to feel that way and as I always say: “Love with confidence.”
