Yikes! I Dated a Narcissist and Introduced Him to My Kids
Confession time: I broke the cardinal rule of single parenting. I introduced my children to a man I had been dating for a very short time, and everything went as horribly wrong as you might expect.
I was divorced for over four years upon meeting this man and my kids never met anyone I dated up to that point. I was strict about not letting men meet my children. They knew I dated, I talked about it in front of them, but I knew they were not interested in adding anyone new to their lives and I respected that. For context, their father started a relationship perhaps a little too soon after our divorce, when our children were still healing (or should I say reeling), and it didn’t do anyone any favors.
But then I met The Narcissist.
This man practically forced his way into my life at a speed of 100 miles per hour, and after meeting one emotionally unavailable person after another, I thought I finally found someone who I could see myself with. He would show up with flowers and gifts, take me to nice restaurants, send long texts with flowery language describing his feelings for me. Not to mention he fixed so many things around my house! It was the single mom’s version of giving candy to a baby. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Psst… Could Your Teen Be in an Abusive Relationship?
In the beginning my daughter, 12, was as smitten as I was, highly receptive to the love bombing. He’d bring the kids boba tea and candy, showering them with any food or gifts they requested. It got to a point where I had to ask him to stop bringing so much candy because my daughter was literally getting sick from it.
My son, 16, wanted no part of this man from the get-go. He saw right through the love bombing and phony acts of generosity. I only wish I could be half as intuitive as he is. He would barely talk to him or really even look at him, staying in his room deliberately for long stretches of time when he was over to avoid potential hallway run-ins. And while he accepted the gifts (he’s a teenager, after all), they certainly didn’t sway his negative feelings for his mom’s overzealous new boyfriend.
I would talk him up all day long, hoping it would make my son start to like him at least a tiny bit, and that it would give my daughter a deeper reason to like him than “because he buys me stuff.” It didn’t work, and my son probably fractured his eyeballs from all the eye rolling.
Looking back, I never even asked them if it was okay to let him stay over while they were home, something I feel quite badly about. I knew they didn’t like it but I was planning a whole future with this man, so in my mind I thought I was just trying to get everyone used to being around each other. I know it seems completely insane to think I was going to marry a man I just met (where is Elsa when you need her?), but if you have ever dealt with a true narcissist, then you know how convincing they can be. Before him, I never even heard of things like future-faking and hoovering. And while I knew what gaslighting was, I never felt it so intensely until he started doing it on the regular.
Thankfully, my “romance” with The Narcissist crashed and burned almost as quickly as it took off. Once he realized that I was not as easily manipulated as he initially anticipated, he tucked his sad little tail between his legs and went back to the woman I later learned he dumped the day after he asked me to be his girlfriend, the one he spent the majority of our relationship speaking horribly about. I know, I know, I was dodging red flags left and right. I am not proud of this.
At this point I am just hoping she is no longer with him because she has a daughter of her own, and I would hate for that little girl to grow up thinking it is acceptable to let yourself be treated that way. I also fear for the safety of anyone who gets that close to a potentially dangerous narcissist. I hope she has found the strength to leave him before he hurts her again.
Once, toward the very end of my relationship, I overheard The Narcissist’s 9-year-old son say to my daughter, “My daddy kisses lots of girls.” My heart snapped in half at that moment, not out of jealousy but sadness for this poor child who had obviously been exposed to so many things that his young eyes should not have had to witness and that his young brain should not have had to comprehend. His son was so sweet but clearly confused and in pain from being raised by someone who I believe is truly evil to his core. It was devastating to see. The snap of my heart must have also snapped me back into reality when that sweet little boy said that, because I realized not long after that this was not at all the man I wanted my children around. This was not the healthy relationship I wanted to model for them.
It dawned on me then, FINALLY, just how sick the whole relationship had been from the very beginning, and how much damage I had already done and would only continue to do to my children and myself if I kept seeing him. It wasn’t easy to break away – the feelings were intense, which is right on par for a narcissist of this magnitude – but eventually I was able to extricate myself from this man’s demented grip completely.
I then immediately apologized to my children. They were just as much a victim of his as I was, and that is fully my fault. I felt terrible when I realized just how badly I had failed them as a parent by letting this monster into their lives without barely a second thought. I had:
- violated their safe space and caused them discomfort in their own home. They had to literally worry about bumping into a stranger on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Teenage me couldn’t even fathom it.
- showed them that my feelings were more important than theirs. I knew my son wasn’t happy when he was over, but I just kept telling myself “he’ll come around.”
- trusted a complete stranger with my children. Shame on me. Seriously.
I am not sharing this story in judgment of parents who linger in toxic situations, nor is it to judge those in happy, healthy relationships they chose to share with their own children and families earlier than most would. It’s merely a cautionary tale for my fellow single parents, a warning to fully vet anyone you decide to allow near your child. Sometimes your heart and your head are saying two very different things, but in the end the ONLY option is to do what is right for your children.
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