It’s undeniable that choosing to start a family with your spouse or partner is going to profoundly change both of your lives, as well as your relationship with each other. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day this month, we turned to five very different experts—on love, sex, marriage, social skills, and more—and asked them for their insights on what makes for a successful marriage, the habits of highly successful couples, how to negotiate conflict while raising kid, and keeping the passion alive.
Gretchen Rubin: Author Of The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun
Obviously, having children changes a marriage. What is the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to marriage, both while expecting a baby and after having kids?
As simple as it sounds, it’s important to get enough sleep. When you can’t sleep or are feeling exhausted, you have much more mental conflict. It’s a very common thing in couples today. Instead of fighting when you’re tired, agree to get a good night’s sleep and talk about the issue in the morning. Individuals tend to think that sleeping is up to them. They believe they can stay up and watch “Real Housewives” on Bravo, but really it’s not up to them.
What’s your advice regarding how a couple can make time for themselves after having children?
For some people it’s very hard to make time for themselves, there is no external accountability. If you are a person that meets deadlines based on other people’s needs, use that practice in your own personal life. For example, if you want to go on a walk every morning, but have difficulty finding the time, think about how that will set a good example for your children. If your children see you sticking to a consistent schedule, that will teach them how to commit to a task.
What is the most important quality in a healthy marriage?
Other than love, a sense of humor and strong communication skills are great. The most important qualities are forbearance and acceptance. It’s crucial to accept your partner for not only their positive qualities, but also learn to appreciate and love them for any of their flaws.
If a couple finds themselves in a rut, what is the best way for them to refocus and rekindle their relationship?
The best way to get out of a romantic rut is to start to do the little things together again, and the more adventurous the activity, the better! If you can travel or take a trip somewhere that’s great. Even going out of your neighborhood to check out a new restaurant can help stir up the romance again.
To learn more about Gretchen Rubin, visit gretchenrubin.com.
Dr. John Gottman: Therapist, Author, Co-Founder Of The Gottman Institute & Founder Of The University Of Washington‘s “Love Lab”
Obviously, having children changes a marriage. What are some important factors to keep in mind while expecting a baby and after having kids?
The most important thing is to realize that the best thing parents can give to a child is a close marriage. While [the Gottman Institute was] conducting our study, we realized that two-thirds of the couples had a large drop in happiness and an increase in hostility after having a child. A major part of [the Gottman Institute’s] workshop, “Bringing Home Baby,” focuses on not neglecting the romantic relationship and including the father more in the parenting of the child…When a baby is born, women usually surround the child—grandmothers, aunts, family friends—and sometimes phase the father out. It’s important in the development of both the baby and the marriage to include the father in as much parenting as possible. Fathers bring something unique to the table, whether the baby is a girl or a boy. Fathers enjoy the aspects of play and are very good at that part of parenting… It’s also important to realize that if the mother recently gave birth or is nursing, her libido is going to be much lower. Both partners need to successfully adjust to this change. Moreover, sex should never be the last priority on a very long to-do list.
What are some good strategies for couples to negotiate conflicts about parenting styles?
First, the couple must realize that conflict is inevitable, even in successful marriages. Conflict stems from small, natural events and the secret is being able to repair these natural regrettable instances. For example, an argument could happen over something as simple as watching television. One person may want to watch a specific program and their partner may want to put on something else… Successful couples deal with conflict in a positive way. They do not dismiss their partner’s thoughts or minimize them. It’s important to ask questions such as: “What do you need?” Or: “How do you feel about this?” Married couples that have managed to maintain a strong relationship have managed the mentality of when his or her partner is hurting, the world stops and I’ll listen. It’s critical to listen without being defensive. It’s also important to focus on the intimate and friendship-related aspects of a marriage along with conflict.
What is the most important quality in a healthy marriage?
Having a sense of humor is the most important quality in a healthy marriage. When people get psychologically aroused, it’s very hard for them to listen in a non-defensive way. When I was in medical school, I learned that in a psychological sense, people are sometimes more full of shit than they realize. I use the same way of thinking in my relationship with my wife: I’m not always right.
To learn more about Dr. John Gottman, visit gottman.com.
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D: Sexologist, Relationship Expert & Author
Obviously, having children changes a marriage. What is the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to marriage, while expecting a baby and after having kids?
I think it’s important for your partner to be in the doctor’s office with you so that the doctor can prepare you, or answer any questions about how your sex life may change. Especially in the beginning, a woman might not be in the mood, or things might feel sensitive, and there are biological reasons for that. Talking to your doctor before will reinforce that your partner is not rejecting you. Women oftentimes also feel anxious about being sexual after giving birth. She might be afraid or have some anxieties, and it’s good to discuss them before.
How important do you think it is for a couple to show affection in front of their children?
Showing affection and being loving is important, and there’s a difference between being loving and being sexual. No one is asking you to grope your partner in front of your children. That being said, kissing, hugging, and showing affection teaches your children a lot of things, especially how to treat someone that they care about and they love. There’s a little bit of role-modeling going on there, it also sets the stage for how we communicate our feelings. If children don’t grow up learning that it’s okay to tell someone you love them, they won’t necessarily learn how to feel love, and they will have trouble communicating that idea to others.
Are there any trends that you notice in happily married couples in terms of their sex life?
I think there’s a two-fold answer to that. We definitely live in this world where we have all these articles telling us to how have sex and how to keep it new, exciting, and hot. The fact is, the reason why something is exciting when it’s new is because it’s new! You can’t mimic that feeling of newness no matter how hard you try, unless you get a different partner. The idea to think about sex when you’re in a long-term relationship is that, although it might not be new anymore, that doesn’t mean it’s bad. What it means is that there still can be passion and you can develop a connection with someone and communicate more openly about sex. You do feel safer with your partner because you trust what they can do to your body. It’s really just a mindset.
What’s your take on sex during pregnancy?
I think it’s absolutely healthy to want to be sexually active, whatever that means for you. Of course, you have to keep in mind other factors if you’re having a high-risk pregnancy. Pregnant women not only have sex regularly, but they still use vibrators, and still achieve pleasure in many ways. I think that oftentimes, if we feel aroused and we still want to have sex, that’s great. It’s important for pregnant women to feel sexy.
To learn more about Logan Levkoff, visit loganlevkoff.com.
Faye de Muyshondt: Founder Of socialsklz:-)
Obviously, having children changes a marriage. What is the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to marriage, both while expecting a baby and after having kids?
I think, in terms of expecting a first child, [you should] shake all the ideas and pre-conceived notions that you think are going to happen. It’s never going to go exactly the way you thought, and it’s important to get comfortable with that idea and accept it. Parenting is obviously great, but it is also the challenge of a lifetime. You really can’t anticipate what is going to happen.
What’s your advice regarding how a couple can make time for themselves after having children?
As ridiculous as this sounds, I believe it’s very important to schedule time together. Date nights or planned events with your significant other are actually really important. Every single thing will get in the way of your intimate life: Kids, work, etc. Everything will come before physical time with your romantic partner. It’s critical to really carve out periods of time that you can be together.
What are some good strategies for couples to negotiate conflicts about parenting styles?
Most importantly, I think coming to an agreement regarding parenting styles as a couple is a good start. Both partners need to recognize that in a marriage, conflicts are inevitable—each person has their own opinion. Trying to be flexible and understanding of different opinions will lead to less conflict. Having a set policy about negotiating conflicts will also really benefit the child… I also think sitting down with your partner and coming up with some sort of document of goals and parenting styles is really helpful. Nowadays, everything is formally written—for work or business—so, why not take the time and create a declaration of sorts for your child? This document can include answers to questions such as: What are the top five things you believe in as a parent? Use the document as a set of guidelines that you can refer back to, to check if everything is still in line. Also, make sure to respect what your significant other says.
What are some ways to keep the romance alive while raising children?
First and foremost, there should be a couple times a month when you’re together with your partner without the kids or in your own home. It’s important to spend time together and get out of your element, whether it’s a weekend, dinner, or even a drive in the car… Getting together privately outside the home, as well as putting your devices down, is also important. All of the new technological gadgets are really becoming a problem. As hard as it is, there needs to be a time when you ignore the phone calls and e-mails and really spend quality time with your partner.
To learn more about Faye de Muyshondt, visit socialsklz.com/ourfounder.
Daniel Jones: Editor Of The New York Times’ Modern Love Column & Author Of Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (With The Help Of 50,000 Strangers)
Obviously, having children changes a marriage. What is the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to marriage, both while expecting a baby and after having kids?
I guess what I see is that couples, especially the male partner, are surprised by how much the attention and passion switches to the child. I think this can be really disappointing if you’re not prepared for this to happen. I would say the responsibility is mostly on the man to realize: “Hey I’m not going to be No. 1 anymore.” I think it’s also important for the woman to be prepared for this to happen. You cannot let the child become the entire focus or the marriage will suffer.
Are there any habits that you notice in really successful marriages?
So much of marriage today is about expectations. We have such high and unrealistic expectations for what marriage can accommodate. We believe that marriage is supposed to be constantly passionate, and that we’re supposed to be equals in every way in terms of parenting—and even earning money. What I see in successful marriages is the successful management of these expectations—accepting that your partner is never going to be the perfect wife or husband, and allowing each other to have different skills.
What is the most important quality in a healthy marriage?
The most important quality in a healthy marriage, I would have to say, is friendship. Making each other laugh is important in any long-term relationship. Passion is also really important. Having your sexual passion remain strong, even after several decades of marriage, stems from this friendship. Appreciating each other seems to be what gets people through the tough times… I read an article [recently] in the New York Times about how married couples are so much healthier. It’s also become a class issue. Couples that are financially well-off tend to stay together at higher rates than those that earn less. People with lower incomes tend to get divorced more or not get married at all. These individuals’ health has been suffering as a result, especially at the mid-life point. They get cancer, their health starts failing. Married couples manage to get through those times because they have each other. They’re committed to each other.
How do you think that finances play a role in the success of a marriage?
I think it’s well known that, if your financial stress is less, your marital stress is going to be less. If one person is out-earning the other by a lot, especially if the woman is out-earning the man, it can put a tremendous amount of stress on the marriage. A lot of couples these days get caught up in that tit-for-tat struggle of earning equality and that relates to expectations. Some people think: “Well if I earn more, than my partner needs to do more of the housework.” That can be really dangerous.
To learn more about Daniel Jones, visit nytimes.com/column/modern-love.
