I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. I’ve heard others speak of it, but I figured I would never fit the bill, especially at this time in my life. I was wrong. Some time back, I was at our neighborhood diner with my husband, a friend and her two kids, and my son. I had taken him to the bathroom (he was on the brink of being potty trained), and we were rushing to exit. As we washed our hands, a woman entered the bathroom, saw us, and out of nowhere looked me in the eye and bluntly asked if I was the mom or grandmom? I was stunned. Livid. Totally caught off-guard. And, suddenly quite self-conscious.
I stole a fast glance in the bathroom mirror before we exited, examining my face. Okay…I don’t look 22. I admit it. I have a couple of frown lines, and I’m not a Botox kinda gal. I certainly feel more tired than I did when I was younger. But, could someone truly mistake me for a grandmother? I could be a grandmom at 48, that is true, but I only became a mom at 42. And some become first-time moms even later than that. It’s a choice that should not have to be defended—let alone to a perfect stranger.
I looked at the woman, with horror on my face, no doubt, and retorted, “I’m not going to respond to that,” as I bolted out the door with Seth, my son.
Not exactly a pithy response on my part, but I wasn’t prepared for a dialogue on the subject. And, frankly, I was more focused at the time on our potty training challenges.
When I got back to our table, I told my husband and friend what had happened. She, in fact, has a full head of gray hair, and said it frequently happens to her, but it didn’t seem to faze her. I, on the other hand, have no gray (except for some hidden strands), and I don’t color my hair. So what was this about, and why did it get to me? Do I dress like a grandmom? Was the woman just curious? And once you have a child, does it give strangers license to say whatever is on their mind? And what’s the appropriate response? Do “later” moms need to prepare themselves for potential questions like this and be poised to respond? Or do we have the right to just blow it off? As commonplace as it is these days for women to become “later” moms, it’s easy to still feel judged. Age can be a sensitive subject for women, moms or not. And us moms can have a heightened level of sensitivity, since being a relatively new mom conjures up emotions that one might not expect.
All the more reason us “later” moms have to stick together and empower each other to stand behind the choices we have made. Despite a possible gray hair here or there, or some raging perimenopausal hormones, there is something to be said for the life experience we bring to the parenting table. And I am proud of what I’ve lived through and the strength I’ve acquired over the years. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to share it with my son. He doesn’t care how old I am, and that’s what matters the most. Unconditional loves knows no age. *Note: Robin celebrated her 49th birthday on August 11.
Robin Gorman Newman is the author of “How To Marry A Mensch” and the founder of Motherhood Later…Than Sooner (motherhoodlater.com), a community devoted to those parenting later in life. This essay originally appeared on honestbaby.com.
