The Secret to a Less Stressful Holiday: Dr. Claudia Fernandes on Mental Health, Kindness, and Connection
The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, but let’s face it, for many parents, they come with a side of stress, pressure, and high expectations. From trying to create the perfect holiday experience to managing all the extra tasks and emotions that pop up this time of year, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
To help make the season a little easier, we spoke with Dr. Claudia-Santi F. Fernandes, a licensed professional counselor and the Founding Director of Youth4Wellness at Yale University. Dr. Fernandes is also the Director of Research and Evaluation at the Born This Way Foundation, where she focuses on mental health and wellness, particularly among young people.
A lot of moms feel this huge pressure to create the “perfect” holiday for their families. Why do you think we put so much weight on that, and how can parents, especially moms, let go of those unrealistic expectations without feeling like they’re failing?
The pressure to create the “perfect” holiday often stems from unrealistic expectations and a heartfelt desire to give our loved ones the very best. And sometimes, we think it has to come at all costs, but it doesn’t have to be this way and—in fact—it should NOT be this way as it often leads to burnout. This pressure is often amplified by images in the media, where comparison can lead to feelings of falling short of these expectations. It’s important to remember that kindness toward others starts with kindness toward ourselves.
I appreciate Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, which highlights that treating ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we show others can reduce stress and increase our resilience—preventing burnout. I’ve witnessed this in my own life and in working with thousands of parents and caregivers over the years: By shifting our focus from perfection to connection—moments of shared kindness, like practicing gratitude as a family, participating in volunteer activities, or spending time engaging in meaningful conversations—we can create memories that truly matter.
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With so many families facing financial stress this year, it can be hard to make the holidays feel special without going into debt. What are some ways parents can still create meaningful memories without the pressure of overspending?
Sometimes we forget that the essence of the holiday season lies in connection and gratitude. Connection is feeling seen, heard, and valued by ourselves and one another. Gratitude is noticing and appreciating the positive in life. Research tells us that daily gratitude improves parent-child dynamics and family well-being, which can have a more lasting impact on our well-being than physical gifts. At Born This Way Foundation, we encourage daily acts of kindness and gratitude toward ourselves and others, like writing heartfelt letters to loved ones, which strengthen bonds and emphasize the joy of giving beyond material possessions. Teaching children the value of these moments helps cultivate resilience and promotes well-being for the entire family.
And, if you are looking for some suggestions on a few acts of kindness, I always enjoy checking out our #BeKind365 platform for science-backed strategies on how to be kind to ourselves, others, and our communities. One of my favorite features is also one that I’d highly recommend for this holiday season: our “Gratitude Postal Service” where we’re invited to send a message of gratitude to anyone in the world and remind them they matter.
I recently sent an email with a note of gratitude to one of my best friends (who I consider a sister) in San Francisco. Although we can’t be together over the holidays, it made me feel so connected to her. In the midst of the holiday hecticness, it is so important to take a moment to express gratitude, to feel connected, and to share meaningful memories with yourself and others—by pausing and creating these lasting memories is truly kindness in action.
For many people, the holidays bring up feelings of loneliness or sadness. Why do some parents—especially moms—get more depressed during this time of year, and what can they do to take care of their own mental health when it feels like everything is on their shoulders?
The holidays are known to exacerbate stress, grief, and/or loneliness, particularly for caregivers who feel immense responsibility to make the season magical. This past year, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an Advisory on the Mental Health and Wellbeing of Parents. In this report, he emphasizes the critical need of providing better support to parents, caregivers, and families—individually, as a community, and through policies. So, please know that structures and systems need to change as well. In the meantime, there are science-backed individual- and community-level strategies to help navigate this time of year.
First, I want to acknowledge that if you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, and unmotivated—your feelings are valid. Compounded by the holidays, less daylight, and more, this time of year can feel challenging. While many may overlook their own needs during this time (leading to burnout), it is vital for caregivers to prioritize their mental health and well-being.
One of my first recommendations is exercise and, specifically, walking—alone, with your pet, with your kids, with your entire family, or with your friends. In a review of 23 studies with over 900 participants, exercise was an effective intervention in treating depression. If exercise is not for you, I invite you to find activities that allow you to pause, reflect, and engage in self-compassion and acts of kindness toward oneself, whether it’s a few minutes of quiet, a phone call with a friend, or an activity that brings joy.
Another favorite recommendation is the Kindness-Loving Meditation. In fact, in a review of the literature, kindness-loving meditations reduced stress and even improved our immune response. These findings are corroborated by our research from Born This Way Foundation that highlights the power of kindness, including kindness to ourselves, to reduce stress and improve mental health and wellbeing. Giving yourself permission to step back and focus on your needs isn’t selfish—it’s essential in order to show up as your best self for yourself and those you care about.
Oftentimes young people, due to varying reasons, do not have an immediate family to spend the holidays with. How can we best support them during the holidays?
It’s important to remember that family extends to those we chose, too—and some family may not be related by blood. For young people without immediate family, chosen families and trusted communities can provide the connection and support they need during the holidays. This might look like hosting a gathering for friends, reaching out with a simple check-in, or creating spaces where everyone feels welcome.
At Born This Way Foundation, we focus on uplifting young people’s stories and experiences, ensuring they know they are seen, valued, and supported—especially during times when loneliness may feel more pronounced. Through Channel Kindness, our digital platform where stories from young people are published, Phoebe Chidley shares a letter from Seanryan, a teenage adoptee, who reflects on their journey as an adoptee.
Seanryan’s piece validates the experience of finding and embracing chosen family as a source of strength and identity. We learn from this letter to value the relationships that bring us joy and stability because family is not solely defined by blood but by the bonds we intentionally create with those who nurture, uplift, and accept us unconditionally.
Teens and young adults can often feel the pressure of the holidays too. How can parents help their kids recognize when their friends might be struggling with holiday stress or depression, and what can they do to support each other?
Each young person is unique; therefore, engaging in open, ongoing conversations about mental health can help parents and teens recognize signs of stress or depression. By doing so, we are better able to understand how someone may be feeling or what they are experiencing around the holidays. Through these ongoing conversations, we are also able to recognize any changes in their behavior—like excessive worry or fear, prolonged feelings of irritability, or avoidance of friends and social activities—and this is key to knowing when someone may need additional support.
In our research at Born This Way Foundation, we learned that the majority of young people report connecting with family and friends as a strategy to support them during difficult times. And, interestingly enough, we also learned that even when young people find the courage to share their struggles and ask for support, their friends and family members often do not know how to respond because they don’t feel confident in their ability to respond appropriately.
For this reason, our team partnered with Jack.org to create the Be There Certificate—a free, digital, self-paced online course that teaches young people how to recognize when someone is struggling, listen without judgment, and connect them to help. Encouraging teens and young adults to check in on one another and ask simple questions like “How are you really doing?” can create meaningful opportunities to support one another.
We can all think of the moment when someone in our lives might have needed a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or when we ourselves needed to be there for ourselves, and this tool offers a way to practice how to do just that. Imagine knowing what to say in those moments and having the skills and confidence to support someone in your life this holiday season? I’m moved by the over 56,000 people that have already chosen to learn these skills and I invite anyone reading to start there today.
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In your work with the Born This Way Foundation, you’ve seen the positive effects of kindness on mental wellness. Could you explain why acts of kindness are so powerful, especially during the holidays? And how can parents incorporate this into their family routines?
We are rooted in the science of kindness and science tells us that our brains respond positively to practicing, witnessing, and receiving kindness. In our own research at Born This Way Foundation, our findings highlighted that acts of kindness—big or small— improve mood, reduce stress, and foster stronger connections.
During the holiday season, incorporating kindness into family routines could mean volunteering together, leaving kind notes for loved ones, or practicing gratitude as a family. For additional ideas, our #BeKind365 platform provides science-backed ideas to inspire kindness every day of the year. By prioritizing kindness—in ourselves and toward others, we create opportunities to strengthen bonds, lift others up, and improve our collective well-being.
As the Director of Research + Evaluation at Born This Way Foundation, Dr. Claudia Fernandes brings a deep understanding of youth mental health, caregiver dynamics, and evidence-based strategies to promote the organization’s vision of a world where every young person has access to resources, communities, and platforms to proactively support their own and their peers’ mental health and wellbeing, kindly and bravely. Dr. Claudia’s work focuses on amplifying the voices of young people, fostering connections, and offering science-backed, actionable tools to navigate stress and build relationships rooted in kindness—including for caregivers and chosen families this holiday season.
